Tuesday, April 13, 2010

"Don't look ahead, just run to me; each step will find the next one recklessly."

Just got back from meeting with my wonderful friend Carolyn.
A lot of things made more sense, and at the same time... I am a little bit more confused. Now, I have even more things to think about. Which is kind of hard on 3 hours of sleep. Nothing is very clear at the moment. :)

We talked a lot about life n stuff. She very rightfully suggested that I may be putting too much pressure on myself... Somehow, I have it stuck in my head that I am 21 and therefore, I supposedly need to know exactly what I am doing with my life, and map out some sort of game plan with very little wiggle room. Very little room to enjoy life and being young. I don't necessarily mean that in the reckless sense, but it's just so weird that we always operate and plan for the future at the expense of the moment we are given here and now. What if that future tomorrow never comes? Then we would have wasted our present, living in vain for the future. I want to redeem the time, now. I want to live for what's really important, and not out of expectations and what people think I should do or be to become successful in the eyes of the world. What is that anyway?

Honestly, if it were up to me, and time and money were not an obstacle, I would be content working at a coffee shop and being a camp counselor. Not forever, just for now. I got offered a job at a coffee shop yesterday, and I am very tempted to take it. The only thing holding me back is things that I think I should be pursuing for my future. There is always such a disconnect between who you want to be and what others expect of you; what you want to do and what you think you should do.

Anyway, I am a little conflicted. I feel like I have to instantly jump into working in a hospital and getting a ton of experience before nursing school... which I am a little uncertain of too. I just feel like once I get a job at a hospital or start nursing school, I am forced to all of a sudden skip a phase of life and become a full blown adult. It's not that I'm afraid of growing up, I'm not. It's just that I've had to grow up really fast as it is already. So I feel like it makes more sense to take my time, enjoy life and this new season, and really figure out who I am. 

Lately, I have been craving different. Probably because for the past 3 years, I have had so much stability in life: I had the same job, I was on the same career path in school, I was dating the same person, I had the same group of friends. Not a whole lot was different. But now I am stuck in between two stages of life. I have been branching out in so many different ways. Reading books that I wouldn't normally pick up, listening to different genres of music, hanging out with different groups of people. Basically, I am just living outside of my comfort zone. Supposedly, until about the age of 25 your frontal lobe is not fully developed. So I guess if that theory is correct, I have some soul searching in front of me.

But I guess now, while I actually have time for myself, is the best time to re-evaluate life and what I am doing. This morning at the 6am study, we were encouraged to think about what our gifts are so that we can use them to the fullest measure instead of trying to be something else.

Not sure why I am pressuring myself to grow up any faster than I need to... I'm 21, and I should be soaking up and appreciating every moment. . Man, life is such a weird and wonderful journey. Once you think you have life figured out... You realize, you don't. Not at all.

Not sure if this even made any sense, and if you have made it this far, congratulations. I will make you a cupcake.

1 comment:

  1. Soooo true. Once you think you've got things figured out, it's like God says "No, you don't!" and flips your world upside down! haha!
    So what coffee shop is it that's offering you a job?!...


Hope whoever stumbles upon this blog and reads it is blessed. Leave a comment and tell me what you think. :)