Tuesday, April 20, 2010


This blog entry may be too transparent for my own good, but I felt compelled to write it. I'm not sure why just the idea of blogging seems so counter-intuitive for me. I have a hard time volunteering information about myself and my personal thoughts unless they are little things like "Does my hair look good today?" "No, it does not."  That sort of thing...
I guess part of it is not knowing who reads this (or if anyone reads this), but it always touches my heart when people tell me they were blessed by some little blurp I threw out into cyberspace and called it a blog. But I guess, at the very least, no matter how exposed I feel, it's just good for me to throw it out there just for my own benefit to cleanse my cluttered mind. :)

Right now, I am re-reading Captivating. I read it years ago, and it had an entirely different meaning on my life then when I was in a relationship than it currently does now, as a single person. It speaks to my heart in a different and profound way.

"A woman becomes beautiful when she knows she's loved... Cut off from love, rejected, no one pursuing her, something in a woman wilts like a flower no one waters anymore... The radiance of her countenance goes out, as if a light has been turned off."

Can I get an AMEN? Or... maybe it's just me. :]

This could not have described my heart (a couple weeks ago) any more if it even wanted to. In short, I closed the door on a guy situation. Needless to say, I entertained the possibilities in my head, but there was no way around the fact that we are just not good for each other. If I can't share the most important thing in my life (The Lord, My Maker, My Savior... it could go on and on) with the potentially most important person in my life... How could that work? Even though my foolish heart wanted to do otherwise, the Spirit was leading me to obedience... to keep this door closed.

Lord, I CHOOSE You. I CHOOSE obedience. So I let/am continuing to let this go.
Savior, keep saving me.

And there is something to be said about the wrong people pursuing you... Because they are not right for you, it doesn't open up your heart the way you would, knowing it was right. It's not supposed to work. So therefore, it doesn't. Not in the long run.

Through this weird situation, the Lord has shown/is showing me that even though my heart felt like it's "wilted." It's because I have placed importance on man. Our value as people is not dependent upon what people think of us. It's not up to them to decide what you are worth or if you are beautiful or not. As His children, we automatically have infinite value because we are marked by blood. There is Someone that is ALWAYS pursuing you, dear heart (whoever you are that is reading this). I don't know about you, but I know how quickly I forget that.

"The beauty of a woman is at first a soulish beauty" the same way "the strength of a man is at first a soulish strength- a strength of heart." It's something that comes from within. It's something that comes alive when we are at rest in the Lord; when we are content in His leadership.

Why are there so many romance novels, movies, and good ol sappy country love songs? Because we were stinkin made for a Great Romance! But Jesus, Himself, is the ONLY ONE who can offer it consistently and deeply. It is not until we have fallen in love with the Lord and given Him our WHOLE hearts that we are able to truly love another person. A relationship then becomes two givers giving to each other; two servants looking for ways to serve and bless the other person, and not two takers; two selfish people.

I realized that when I was looking to other things and other people, of COURSE, my heart was disappointed, hurt, and restless.

But these last few days, I have asked the Lord to open my eyes to see all the ways He does romance me; to look for Him in the most unusual, unsuspected places. He is bringing me back to a deeper love for Him than I have ever had before. This is uncharted waters for me because I have never been a follower of the Lord and single at the same time. So it's easy to say He is your First Love when you have someone holding your hand through life on the side.

"I stand now in this risky place of vulnerability, with a bleeding heart waiting and praying. Every day I must CHOOSE to lay down my defensiveness and ALLOW the healing balm of Jesus to attend to my wound and allow him to be MY God, MY Strength, MY Defender."
 The Lord is more than willing to clean and disinfect our hearts just like he healed the leper (Mark 1:40). That is a physical picture of our spiritual reality. My spiritual reality. So, in this new season, I REFUSE to be led and governed by my emotions. Lord, I want to be governed by Your Spirit. I want to live every day with passion, love, and grace. I want to live every day for the Lord. Life is too short to live selfishly. It just leaves you jaded, empty, and lost. Anyone who has tried that can testify that a selfish life is an empty one.

Needless to say, when my head and heart connected; understanding and grasping the DEPTH and REALITY of the love of MY Maker, My First Love, and how He pursues us, I started to come back ALIVE.

"But this same woman, who everyone thought was rather plain and unengaging, becomes lovely and inviting when she is pursued. Her heart begins to come alive, come to the surface, and her countenance becomes radiant."

Whoever you are, wherever you are, you are BEAUTIFUL. You are LOVED. Not only by me, but by the Defender of Your Heart. The One who knew you before you were ever born. Live for Him. He will NEVER let you down. EVER.
KNOW (REALLY know) you are pursued by the LORD, and let your heart come to experience abundant life!

He really IS "able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we can ask or think (Ephesians 3:20)." He will bless us with something far greater and reward us for our faith and obedience. Not to mention we will have a deeper love and appreciation for who He is.

"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

Lord, You are MY First Love. Recapture my heart.



  1. Hey, I am going to admit that I've been going through the same heart process lately too. In fact, I wrote something similiar down in my journal...crazy. It's hard to open up and let whatever is on your mind out sometimes, but it is also good to know that there is someone else out there who is going through the same things you are:) Thanks for sharing!

  2. Jess, you write some of the most beautiful and encouraging things. I was recently reading from 1 Corinthians and about marriage. I think if we we are blessed with that other someone, that is a gift from God. But if we are "single" as it were, we are blessed even more so in the doors that are opened to us to serve the Lord.

    Thanks for this perspective though of the "great romance" that we are to have in and with the Lord. I too yearn to continue this walk with the Lord, learning from Him, and letting the Potter mold and shape me into His image.


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