Waiting

Right now, I am in a season of waiting. So many times lately, godly people have spoken into my life and "waiting" has been a reoccuring theme. If you're anything like me, those 2 words should never be put together! I found myself getting a little more frustrated as time went by because... Well, I just made my oatmeal in less than 2 minutes tops.

So in a world where instant oatmeal and direct deposit exist, who likes to wait?

Earlier this morning, I was sitting by the fireplace (which is one of my top favorite things to do in the whole world) reading 1 Samuel. I was blown away by Hannah's heart and her persistence in prayer. She was earnestly seeking the Lord for a son to give to her husband. In that day, barrenness had a huge stigma. It was considered by rabbi's to be a curse from God- an indication of sin or something wrong in their life. Despite the implications barrenness had on her, Hannah perservered in prayer; she went through years of waiting, weeping, and praying. One day, she prayed for a son yet again, and this time, she promises the Lord that if He granted her a son, she will dedicate his whole life to God as a way of giving him back.

God finally answered her prayer. He was just waiting for her prayers to be aligned with his heart. I love that God is never in a rush the way we are. He is so patient and gracious with us. Even though it was a "slow" process; years went by. Through that time, the Lord cultivated in Hannah more intimacy and more of a heart for Him. Initially, Hannah wanted a son to give to her husband, but God wanted a prophet (Samuel) to give to the nation. I'm SO glad that God always sees the bigger picture.

I want to be like Hannah and instead of looking at the areas of life that I am waiting for and; my areas of "barrenness," I want to give my future back to God before He even grants it to me. I want to always look to God to fulfill that empty space in my heart. I don't ever want to look to a job or to a person to fill me the way only God can. So whether it's nursing school, marriage, money, or you name it, I want to surrender my whole life every day, knowing that no matter what happens, He WILL use it for His purpose. He ALWAYS comes through for His kids. I'm thankful that whenever I have moments of selfishness, the Lord has a way of always bringing me back to His heart. I exist for Him. He does not exist for me. I want to live for a Kingdom that is much bigger than me and my little world.

Not my will, but YOURS be done, Lord.

So, here's to waiting and waiting well. :)

My Harlow Adventuring Experience Thus Far...

I had my first 4 days at Harlow, and we are currently on a Father's Day break. I am so excited to have time away and spend it with family.

I hadn't been out at Harlow since '05 and it's a completely different experience than I last remembered. Obviously, it's a completely different crew for the most part, and I'm older and I'm different than the last time I was there. I was there years ago for the wrong reasons and I was very distracted. Plus, I was in high school... Don't think I need to say more than that. Other than... Yikes... This time, I want to be there for the Lord and for the kids.

Won't really go into too much detail, but prior to applying to camp, (even though it had been YEARS) I felt like God was leading me back to counsel there. I was really SUPER excited about going to camp, but then once I got there, I felt a little weird about it. Doubt started creeping in. I went through a point where I started wondering if I made a mistake coming out to camp. Being relatively outgoing and slightly extroverted, it weirded me out that I started shutting down. Even though I'm slightly extroverted (according to that one ENFJ test thing I recently took, I'm about 51%) I've always had an introverted side... but I've never been introverted to the point where it was almost what felt like 95% of the time. So that kinda freaked me out.

Not sure who's reading this, but if you are, I would love prayer for the next month. I want to have the right attitude and let go of any doubt or discouragement I may have and I want to be a channel of the love of God to these kids. I don't want to go through these next several weeks at camp, shutting down and not being open and available. I know these thoughts that I've been having are not from the Lord and I am trying to take every thought captive to God... Cuz HE is the One I need to look to. My identity is found in Him. My strength lies in Him. I am at the point, where I am realizing (yet again) HOW WEAK I am without Him. And I'm fine with that reminder. I never want to forget how dependent I am upon my Father and my Source. :)

I want to spend the next few weeks being a woman at rest, and being content in who He has made me to be. I don't want to be stressed out and striving. Being introverted is ok as long as it's not debilitating and taking away what I should be doing at camp. I want to trust and relax knowing that as long as I FULLY SURRENDER and have a willing and obedient heart, God can do ANYTHING cuz He's such a big, powerful, and mighty God. I'm SO blessed and thankful to be under His leadership. No matter hard and stretching it may be, I am ready for a heart change!!! :)

So who knows what the next month has for me, but I'm open to whatever God has.
Not my will, but YOURS be done, Lord. :]

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I am excited for those of you who are sending me all sorts of fun mail! Love you all! :)

HONEY ♥

Hey hey hey!

Tomorrow morning bright and early, I will be heading out on a little Eugene adventure. I will be a senior camp counselor at Camp Harlow for the next several weeks! I won't be able to call, text, or email hardly at all....

A few of you asked for my camp address and were interested in writing me and sending me all sorts of fun mail stuff! :)

and I would LOVE THAT!!! It will be so so fun to get letters. There's something so great about real letters versus texting and email. If you write me, I will try my very best to write you back! 

So if this is you......

Write it out to "Honey"

3850 County Farm Road

Eugene, OR 97408

Becoming Eve ♥

Fallen Eve demands that people 'come through' for her to fill a void.

Redeemed Eve is being met in the depths of her soul by Christ and is FREE to offer to others, FREE to desire, and WILLING to be disappointed.

Fallen Eve has been WOUNDED by others and WITHDRAWS in order to protect herself from further harm.

Redeemed Eve knows that she has something of value to offer; that she is made for relationship. Therefore, being safe and secure in her relationship with the Lord, she can RISK being vulnerable with others and offer her TRUE SELF.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to NO ONE, not even an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. 
But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- IT WILL CHANGE.
It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...
The only place outside of Heaven you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell."
(C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves)

Every time I re-read that quote by C.S. Lewis, part of my heart wakes up again. Last night at the Ruth study, we learned about Yare (greek word for fear), which means "to intellectually anticipate evil."

I was really convicted by that because we are not supposed to live in fear.How often do I live my life out of fear- letting the past hurts and regrets dictate my future. What kind of life is that? A selfish and sad one. Plus living in fear shows that something deep down in my heart doesn't trust that God is bigger than that. It shows that somehow I am not trusting Him to take care of my heart so I have to do it myself. And that's really dumb! He has NEVER let me down.
God is too gracious and too good for me to keep living with "old tapes running through my head (quoting my wonderful mentor)."  Today, I am consciously making the choice to take every thought captive to my Savior and my Redeemer and let Him reveal to me what is true while getting rid of the gunk.

No matter how cruel and awful life gets, I don't ever want to live a life of self-preservation. I don't want my life to be all about me. How empty is that? That's not the life we are called to live. I want to live life abundantly; falling in love with my Maker, and being poured out to bless and love others. Jesus is that never-ending fountain that I must drink of first, in order to channel it out towards others. You can't give what you don't have- We must be filled up in order to pour out.

He offers living water to all who are thirsty. What are we waiting for? :)

Top 10 Reasons Why I LOVED My Extended Spring Break!

Since tonight is the end of my "Extended Spring Break," I only thought it was appropriate to list off all the wonderful things about my 6 weeks of break (no job+ no school= blissful little adventures every single day)

1. God is SO stinkin' GOOD. By His grace, I am whole again. During the first couple weeks of my break, I was having a hard time. I did some "soul searching" and took time to seek His face and figure a bunch of stuff out about myself and life, and He honestly does do "exceedingly abundantly beyond all that {I} could ever ask or think." He has and is continuing to clean out the closet of my heart. He gently started chipping away at things that needed to go to make me more and more into His likeness. Not fully there yet (obviously), but I am excited for what's ahead! Lord, I continue to lay down my agenda and my plans in exchange for You and Your Kingdom. :)

2. I picked up running again. I can run an hour and a half non-stop, but have been running about an hour regularly cuz I get bored after a while... Unless I had a reason to train. Half marathon? People keep asking me, maybe one day I will give in. Until then, it's just for fun and to clear my head and something about being outside makes you come alive!

3. Girlfriends. I have had more time to finally get together and spend quality time with my girls, which is a nice change for students pursuing the medical field. Your life goes down the drain.So it was wonderful being able to do whatever I wanted!

4. Reading. I'm a nerd, and I have had time to read. I am reading Mere Christianity, Crazy Love, and Captivating (again). I am almost done!

5. I got inked! I have two tattoos and I couldn't be happier about them! I got "free" on my wrist to represent the freedom I have in Christ. Also something that was continuously on my heart was "It is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us FREE. Stand firm, then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1)"
It's a reminder now that I have the choice every day to be obedient and faithful to the Lord. I don't have to walk back into my old way of living. I can shake off the chains that once bound me. I am free. I also got "my joy knows no bounds" on my foot, which represents all the joy the Lord has given me. Depression and anxiety is no longer a part of my life. That part is dead and He has given me more joy in my life than my body can contain!



6. REST. In one sense, I had a few weeks where I could sleep in and take my time in the morning. In another sense, my heart is at rest. Because of God and His goodness, I am SO content with life and where I am at. I feel refreshed and recharged just in time to start CNA stuff.

7. I went on a RAD beach trip with my BFF and other wonderful older women of the Lord. Learned a lot from watching them and spending time with them. Got to eat a ton of chocolate and dessert (which is always good) and stay up late talking.

8. New friends. Which I am always down for. Met two rad guys at the Lodge a few weeks ago, and have been hanging out every single day ever since usually till 3-4am. Coincidentally (or not) enough, we all ended up having the same "extended spring break." They start their jobs tomorrow and I start my CNA tomorrow. Hello, responsibility. It's been a while. :)

9. Learned/Still Learning that sometimes the best things come in the most unlikely places especially when you are not looking for it. God has a way of surprising you.

10. Probably the BEST reason that I loved this time off: I am learning that God absolutely LOVES us more than I could ever understand. He knows us better than we know ourselves. Why do we hold onto control instead of giving it to Him? He has never steered us wrong and given us any reason not to trust Him. Once I gave my dreams and hopes to Him, He took them and showed me that He can do so much better with the dreams He's placed in my heart than I ever could. I just have to be willing to let go. 

Alright kids, I should be in bed now since I have to wake up and be smart tomorrow! Have a fabulous week! :)