Becoming Eve ♥

Fallen Eve demands that people 'come through' for her to fill a void.

Redeemed Eve is being met in the depths of her soul by Christ and is FREE to offer to others, FREE to desire, and WILLING to be disappointed.

Fallen Eve has been WOUNDED by others and WITHDRAWS in order to protect herself from further harm.

Redeemed Eve knows that she has something of value to offer; that she is made for relationship. Therefore, being safe and secure in her relationship with the Lord, she can RISK being vulnerable with others and offer her TRUE SELF.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to NO ONE, not even an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. 
But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- IT WILL CHANGE.
It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...
The only place outside of Heaven you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell."
(C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves)

Every time I re-read that quote by C.S. Lewis, part of my heart wakes up again. Last night at the Ruth study, we learned about Yare (greek word for fear), which means "to intellectually anticipate evil."

I was really convicted by that because we are not supposed to live in fear.How often do I live my life out of fear- letting the past hurts and regrets dictate my future. What kind of life is that? A selfish and sad one. Plus living in fear shows that something deep down in my heart doesn't trust that God is bigger than that. It shows that somehow I am not trusting Him to take care of my heart so I have to do it myself. And that's really dumb! He has NEVER let me down.
God is too gracious and too good for me to keep living with "old tapes running through my head (quoting my wonderful mentor)."  Today, I am consciously making the choice to take every thought captive to my Savior and my Redeemer and let Him reveal to me what is true while getting rid of the gunk.

No matter how cruel and awful life gets, I don't ever want to live a life of self-preservation. I don't want my life to be all about me. How empty is that? That's not the life we are called to live. I want to live life abundantly; falling in love with my Maker, and being poured out to bless and love others. Jesus is that never-ending fountain that I must drink of first, in order to channel it out towards others. You can't give what you don't have- We must be filled up in order to pour out.

He offers living water to all who are thirsty. What are we waiting for? :)

Top 10 Reasons Why I LOVED My Extended Spring Break!

Since tonight is the end of my "Extended Spring Break," I only thought it was appropriate to list off all the wonderful things about my 6 weeks of break (no job+ no school= blissful little adventures every single day)

1. God is SO stinkin' GOOD. By His grace, I am whole again. During the first couple weeks of my break, I was having a hard time. I did some "soul searching" and took time to seek His face and figure a bunch of stuff out about myself and life, and He honestly does do "exceedingly abundantly beyond all that {I} could ever ask or think." He has and is continuing to clean out the closet of my heart. He gently started chipping away at things that needed to go to make me more and more into His likeness. Not fully there yet (obviously), but I am excited for what's ahead! Lord, I continue to lay down my agenda and my plans in exchange for You and Your Kingdom. :)

2. I picked up running again. I can run an hour and a half non-stop, but have been running about an hour regularly cuz I get bored after a while... Unless I had a reason to train. Half marathon? People keep asking me, maybe one day I will give in. Until then, it's just for fun and to clear my head and something about being outside makes you come alive!

3. Girlfriends. I have had more time to finally get together and spend quality time with my girls, which is a nice change for students pursuing the medical field. Your life goes down the drain.So it was wonderful being able to do whatever I wanted!

4. Reading. I'm a nerd, and I have had time to read. I am reading Mere Christianity, Crazy Love, and Captivating (again). I am almost done!

5. I got inked! I have two tattoos and I couldn't be happier about them! I got "free" on my wrist to represent the freedom I have in Christ. Also something that was continuously on my heart was "It is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us FREE. Stand firm, then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1)"
It's a reminder now that I have the choice every day to be obedient and faithful to the Lord. I don't have to walk back into my old way of living. I can shake off the chains that once bound me. I am free. I also got "my joy knows no bounds" on my foot, which represents all the joy the Lord has given me. Depression and anxiety is no longer a part of my life. That part is dead and He has given me more joy in my life than my body can contain!



6. REST. In one sense, I had a few weeks where I could sleep in and take my time in the morning. In another sense, my heart is at rest. Because of God and His goodness, I am SO content with life and where I am at. I feel refreshed and recharged just in time to start CNA stuff.

7. I went on a RAD beach trip with my BFF and other wonderful older women of the Lord. Learned a lot from watching them and spending time with them. Got to eat a ton of chocolate and dessert (which is always good) and stay up late talking.

8. New friends. Which I am always down for. Met two rad guys at the Lodge a few weeks ago, and have been hanging out every single day ever since usually till 3-4am. Coincidentally (or not) enough, we all ended up having the same "extended spring break." They start their jobs tomorrow and I start my CNA tomorrow. Hello, responsibility. It's been a while. :)

9. Learned/Still Learning that sometimes the best things come in the most unlikely places especially when you are not looking for it. God has a way of surprising you.

10. Probably the BEST reason that I loved this time off: I am learning that God absolutely LOVES us more than I could ever understand. He knows us better than we know ourselves. Why do we hold onto control instead of giving it to Him? He has never steered us wrong and given us any reason not to trust Him. Once I gave my dreams and hopes to Him, He took them and showed me that He can do so much better with the dreams He's placed in my heart than I ever could. I just have to be willing to let go. 

Alright kids, I should be in bed now since I have to wake up and be smart tomorrow! Have a fabulous week! :)

Portrait of an ENFJ (Me!)

ENFJ: "The Giver:"

Extroverted (1%)  iNtuitive (12%) Feeling (88%) Judging (11%) =Extroverted Feeling with Introverted Intuition

-I am slightly more extroverted (51%) than I am introverted (49%).

-Primary mode of living is externally based. I deal with things based on how I feel about them

-Secondary mode is internal, where I deal with things by my intuition.

-Have excellent people skills (more so than any other type)

-Understand and care about people, and have a special talent of bringing out the best in others

-Main interest in life is giving love, support, and a good time to other people.
-Focused on understanding, supporting, and encouraging others.

-Because ENFJ's people skills are so extraordinary, they have the ability to make people do exactly what they want them to do. *Muahaha... just kidding. :)
-Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship. But it's usually not meant as manipulation -- ENFJs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are.

-Global learners. They see the big picture.
-ENFJs are, by definition, Js, with whom we associate organization and decisiveness. But they don't resemble the SJs or even the NTJs in organization of the environment nor occasional recalcitrance.
-ENFJs are organized in the arena of interpersonal affairs.Conclusions (reached through feelings) about people and motives are drawn much more quickly than those of NFP.
-ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people.
-ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear.

-ENFJ's are so externally focused that it's especially important for them to spend time alone. 

This can be difficult for some ENFJs, because they have the tendency to be hard on themselves and turn to dark thoughts when alone.

-ENFJ's tend to be more reserved about exposing themselves than other extraverted types. 

The ENFJ may feel quite lonely even when surrounded by people. This feeling of aloneness may be exacerbated by the tendency to not reveal their true selves.
-Have definite values and opinions which they're able to express clearly and succinctly. These beliefs will be expressed as long as they're not too personal.

Although they may have strongly-felt beliefs, they're likely to refrain from expressing them if doing so would interfere with bringing out the best in others. 

-People love ENFJs. They are fun to be with.
-They are typically very straight-forward and honest.  
-Usually exude a lot of self-confidence, and have a great amount of ability to do many different things. 

-They enjoy being the center of attention, and do very well in situations where they can inspire and lead others, such as teaching. 
-Face-to-face relationships are intense, personable and warm

-Their genuine interest in Humankind and their exceptional intuitive awareness of people makes them able to draw out even the most reserved individuals.

-ENFJs have a strong need for close, intimate relationships, and will put forth a lot of effort in creating and maintaining these relationships. They're very loyal and trustworthy once involved in a relationship. 

An ENFJ who has not developed their Feeling side may have difficulty making good decisions, and may rely heavily on other people in decision-making processes. If they have not developed their Intuition, they may not be able to see possibilities, and will judge things too quickly based on established value systems or social rules, without really understanding the current situation. An ENFJ who has not found their place in the world is likely to be extremely sensitive to criticism, and to have the tendency to worry excessively and feel guilty. They are also likely to be very manipulative and controling with others.

-In general, ENFJs are charming, warm, gracious, creative and diverse individuals with richly developed insights into what makes other people tick. 
-This special ability to see growth potential in others combined with a genuine drive to help people makes the ENFJ a truly valued individual. 
-As giving and caring as the ENFJ is, they need to remember to value their own needs as well as the needs of others. 

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Extraverted Feeling:
Auxiliary: Introverted Intuition
Tertiary: Extraverted Sensing
Inferior: Introverted Thinking

Taken from Personality Page

If you are interested in knowing yours: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp  
If you take this quiz, leave a comment and let me know what you got! It's fun! :)

BEAUTIFUL LOVE.

This blog entry may be too transparent for my own good, but I felt compelled to write it. I'm not sure why just the idea of blogging seems so counter-intuitive for me. I have a hard time volunteering information about myself and my personal thoughts unless they are little things like "Does my hair look good today?" "No, it does not."  That sort of thing...
I guess part of it is not knowing who reads this (or if anyone reads this), but it always touches my heart when people tell me they were blessed by some little blurp I threw out into cyberspace and called it a blog. But I guess, at the very least, no matter how exposed I feel, it's just good for me to throw it out there just for my own benefit to cleanse my cluttered mind. :)

Right now, I am re-reading Captivating. I read it years ago, and it had an entirely different meaning on my life then when I was in a relationship than it currently does now, as a single person. It speaks to my heart in a different and profound way.

"A woman becomes beautiful when she knows she's loved... Cut off from love, rejected, no one pursuing her, something in a woman wilts like a flower no one waters anymore... The radiance of her countenance goes out, as if a light has been turned off."

Can I get an AMEN? Or... maybe it's just me. :]

This could not have described my heart (a couple weeks ago) any more if it even wanted to. In short, I closed the door on a guy situation. Needless to say, I entertained the possibilities in my head, but there was no way around the fact that we are just not good for each other. If I can't share the most important thing in my life (The Lord, My Maker, My Savior... it could go on and on) with the potentially most important person in my life... How could that work? Even though my foolish heart wanted to do otherwise, the Spirit was leading me to obedience... to keep this door closed.

Lord, I CHOOSE You. I CHOOSE obedience. So I let/am continuing to let this go.
Savior, keep saving me.

And there is something to be said about the wrong people pursuing you... Because they are not right for you, it doesn't open up your heart the way you would, knowing it was right. It's not supposed to work. So therefore, it doesn't. Not in the long run.

Through this weird situation, the Lord has shown/is showing me that even though my heart felt like it's "wilted." It's because I have placed importance on man. Our value as people is not dependent upon what people think of us. It's not up to them to decide what you are worth or if you are beautiful or not. As His children, we automatically have infinite value because we are marked by blood. There is Someone that is ALWAYS pursuing you, dear heart (whoever you are that is reading this). I don't know about you, but I know how quickly I forget that.

"The beauty of a woman is at first a soulish beauty" the same way "the strength of a man is at first a soulish strength- a strength of heart." It's something that comes from within. It's something that comes alive when we are at rest in the Lord; when we are content in His leadership.

Why are there so many romance novels, movies, and good ol sappy country love songs? Because we were stinkin made for a Great Romance! But Jesus, Himself, is the ONLY ONE who can offer it consistently and deeply. It is not until we have fallen in love with the Lord and given Him our WHOLE hearts that we are able to truly love another person. A relationship then becomes two givers giving to each other; two servants looking for ways to serve and bless the other person, and not two takers; two selfish people.

I realized that when I was looking to other things and other people, of COURSE, my heart was disappointed, hurt, and restless.

But these last few days, I have asked the Lord to open my eyes to see all the ways He does romance me; to look for Him in the most unusual, unsuspected places. He is bringing me back to a deeper love for Him than I have ever had before. This is uncharted waters for me because I have never been a follower of the Lord and single at the same time. So it's easy to say He is your First Love when you have someone holding your hand through life on the side.

"I stand now in this risky place of vulnerability, with a bleeding heart waiting and praying. Every day I must CHOOSE to lay down my defensiveness and ALLOW the healing balm of Jesus to attend to my wound and allow him to be MY God, MY Strength, MY Defender."
 

 The Lord is more than willing to clean and disinfect our hearts just like he healed the leper (Mark 1:40). That is a physical picture of our spiritual reality. My spiritual reality. So, in this new season, I REFUSE to be led and governed by my emotions. Lord, I want to be governed by Your Spirit. I want to live every day with passion, love, and grace. I want to live every day for the Lord. Life is too short to live selfishly. It just leaves you jaded, empty, and lost. Anyone who has tried that can testify that a selfish life is an empty one.

Needless to say, when my head and heart connected; understanding and grasping the DEPTH and REALITY of the love of MY Maker, My First Love, and how He pursues us, I started to come back ALIVE.

"But this same woman, who everyone thought was rather plain and unengaging, becomes lovely and inviting when she is pursued. Her heart begins to come alive, come to the surface, and her countenance becomes radiant."

Whoever you are, wherever you are, you are BEAUTIFUL. You are LOVED. Not only by me, but by the Defender of Your Heart. The One who knew you before you were ever born. Live for Him. He will NEVER let you down. EVER.
 

KNOW (REALLY know) you are pursued by the LORD, and let your heart come to experience abundant life!

He really IS "able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we can ask or think (Ephesians 3:20)." He will bless us with something far greater and reward us for our faith and obedience. Not to mention we will have a deeper love and appreciation for who He is.

"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

Lord, You are MY First Love. Recapture my heart.

 

Welcome Love, I have made a place for you here. ♥

Today is a beautiful day, and life has been looking up. Thanks to the Lord, and to a change of perspective. Life it too short to think that every day is the worst day in the whole world. It's not. :)
Every single day is a beautiful opportunity to make the most of such a big adventure!

So I decided I would kick off today with listing the little things in life that make me happy:
1. Being able to sleep in and take my time getting ready, which most likely includes: Sitting by the fireplace in my big squishy chair with a big cup of coffee in one hand and my Bible in the other.

2. Walking around downtown- Night or day- and discovering new, fun, little places, and meeting all kinds of interesting people.

3. Camping with friends! Or anything outdoors, really!

4. The feeling you get after working out or going for an hour long run. Then you feel like you can eat anything you want. or take on the world. Either works just fine. :]

5. When you are standing in line, ready to pay, and some sweet guy in front of you pays. haha don't worry, I'm not one of those girls that expects this, but it's such a sweet surprise when it happens. There really are nice guys out there. Thank you, Mr. Nice Stranger! Wherever you are!

6. When you are thinking about calling or texting someone because they have been on your mind lately, and they beat you to it, because they were thinking of you, too! :)

7. Meeting new people that you instantly feel super comfortable with. You don't need to pretend to be anything other than what you really are. You don't need to pretend to be super happy all the time. They have seen you at your worst, and they still just want to spend time with you.
Probably one of the sweetest things one of my friends, Erin, did for me was when I was in the BIGGEST FUNK of my life... Like SO down and out, she put down whatever she was doing (which was probably more important) and just sat with me in that moment. She didn't say a whole lot, but just her being there, holding my hand- her presence spoke more than words ever could.

8. Dessert, which is always a good idea. Especially, anything with chocolate or raspberries.Or the dessert-like breakfasts! Yum!

9. Big rings and accessories. I love fashion, but not in the typical trendy magazine sense. It's so fun to make your own style for your personality. Especially vintage shopping. gets the best of me. every time.

10. Having two wonderful big brothers. God has graciously brought them into my life and I don't know what I would do without them. They keep me out of trouble, and I keep them in line. It's a very functional relationship. I stinkin love my family. :)

Bryan- Funny how I met this kid. By a Divine appointment. We were in religion class together, and now we are lifelong friends and family. I love making friends in the weirdest ways and in the most random places.

Sarah, Me, and Josh (on the right)

Sarah is now in HAWAII! She is going to do great things there and learn lots about herself and about the Lord. I have know Sarah for years, and its so cool to see her change and love the Lord!
and Josh, you are a rad brother. So glad I have you and Bryan to look up sketchy guys and be willing to show up at their doorstep and scare them. :o)

11. My sister makes me happy! Especially when she is home for breaks! Love her! I couldn't have asked for a better sister/friend in life. I love that we are so close in age that we go through a lot of the same things together or one of us went through it a little bit before so we can give each other advice.

12. Being in a roomfull of books. Barnes and Noble and Powells... I could stay there for hours. I'm a total nerd. :)